Category Archives: Mischief & Shenanigans

Polite At All Costs

Politeatallcosts

Southern women are taught to be polite at all costs. Southern mommas are expected to raise polite offspring.

One blistering day, I was driving with my two and a half year old son in the backseat, and I was feeling quite smug that I was going to be early for an appointment. So smug that I thought to myself, ‘You know, I have just enough time to run into the dollar store and pick up a few items.’

I pulled into the concrete strip mall and hustled my son into the store. I was still on schedule, until I got into the checkout line.

I waited. And then waited some more. And even though I was wearing a dress like a good Southern girl does, the sweat from the muggy day started to cause my thighs to stick together. My mostly silent child up until this point started to whimper.

I tried to ignore the noises. I tried to ignore my sticky thighs and the impatient sighs from the patrons behind me.

The line would not move. My smugness turned into panic as I realized that I not only might no longer be early, nor on time, but late.

As it finally became my turn to put my items onto the belt, my son started to cross his legs and cry.

‘Ma’am, can we use your bathroom? We’re potty training and he doesn’t have on a diaper.’

Disdainfully, she looked at me. ‘No. All of outside is a bathroom for boys.’

I stood there, both dumbfounded and livid, as I slowly reached up and clutched my pearls. I felt my fingernails cutting into the palm of my hand as my fingers wrapped around my necklace.

‘Of course. You’re right.’

Crimson shame spread across my cheeks as the long line behind us began to whisper.

I shuffled my son out of the store and looked around frantically. There was nowhere for him to go to the bathroom. I directed him to the nearest corner.

Instead, he walked straight over to the window of the store, pulled his smocked shorts down, and began to urinate on the window, in full view of the register and line we just walked away from. Everyone, including the cashier, stopped in their tracks as this child made the window his personal bathroom. I just stood there and did nothing, with my own jaw hanging open in surprise.

He pulled his shorts up and started leading me to the car as if nothing happened and I followed, speechless.

I waited a year to shop there again. When I finally had the nerve to go back, there was now a posted sign: ‘Bathrooms for pregnant women and potty-training children ONLY.’

Internet Troll Successful in Bullying Writer into Submission

mockmom

This post was originally published on July 27, 2015 on Mockmom.com.

Today, in Utopia, Somewhere, an Internet troll successfully tracked down a writer to bully and threaten her after he disagreed with her take on potty-training her child.

When interviewed from his mother’s basement, the troll, 32 year-old Chester the Child Molester, refused to put on clothes, wearing only his tighty-whities. He also refused to wash his cheese-flavored chip stained hands, saying ‘it is my American right to keep my fingers cheese colored.’

He tracked down the writer Suzy Q Mommy Blogger after reading her blog post about her struggle to potty train her child before preschool started. He started out by commenting on her blog posts and grew increasingly agitated when she began to delete his comments.

“She shouldn’t get to delete my comments. She acts like she’s entitled to her own opinion since it’s her own website. Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m talking about. She needs to listen to me. I’m right. And if it takes me being an asshole for her to listen, then so be it.”

Once she began to delete his comments, she also banned his from her website. That just sent him to track her work down on other sites.

“My mom didn’t potty train me on time, and I’m totally normal. I live in her basement and read the Internet all day long. I’m a testament to being a free thinker.”

When asked for comment, Suzy Q Mommy Blogger tearfully replied, “He’s right. I shouldn’t be entitled to my own opinion. Even though I have kids and these trolls don’t. Clearly, they know more about parenting than I do, and I will seek their advice on parenting before making an opinion from now on for myself.”

*Clearly, this is in jest, and a nod to all of those trolls out there who think they know better than you do, specifically, the people out there that continuously tell me I am a terrible parent and start their emails out with ‘I do not have children, but…..’ Please know that I take your opinion very seriously.

 

 

#bitchesonbrooms

bitchesonbrooms

Alright friends– by now you know I can be silly and ridiculous and I want you to join me!

Leading up to Halloween, take photos of yourself and tag #bitchesonbrooms. Yes, I know this is early, but I know some of you are procrastinators and need all the time I can give you to take this photo.  So, go grab that broom and show me what you’ve got!!