Tonight was the Spring Showcase at our children’s school. Theodore, along with the rest of his grade, was performing.
When Theodore started at this school, we still didn’t know how he was going to turn out. We still don’t, of course, but when he started kindergarten, he was still having massive tantrums and, frankly, we weren’t sure what was going to happen with him, because he had just started really communicating.
At the time, and still, now, I worry about being a good enough mother. I worried, and worry, am I equipped to be his mom? Could I be doing better? Where in my damaged brain can I add the worry about our children, when it was already bursting at the seams with worry about everything else??
Part of why I worry about this are what I call the thieves of joy. You know what I am talking about. The things can follow you around like a black cloud, waiting patiently to rain on your head. These can be daily headaches, nasty people, people who are determined to ruin you, the shit that seems permanently parked in the back of your brain. But, they can also be deep-rooted rain clouds that take up precious space in your brain. The damages that have been done by passing people in your life, sucking at your soul long after they are gone.
Thieves of joy are just that. They steal your joy and keep you from living your life. My thieves of joy steal precious moments with our children, moments that I miss from not being in the moment, missing them because of simply, worry.
No more. I was overwhelmed with emotion tonight watching this amazing, bright, tenderhearted, sweet boy that I have the privilege of raising, the one who I have spent so much time fretting over, and he was dancing and singing in pure joy. What I had always wanted for him, I got to watch unfold tonight. No one, and I do mean NO ONE gets to steal any more moments from him due to their thieving nature. He deserves more and so do I.